A story many of us know...

I listen to music non-stop lately and can find so many commonalities in songs I love with my current situation. I love that about what the power of song can do! I digress... For me trying to heal from this I felt like telling part of the story might be appropriate...or at least therapeutic.


Divorced. Not a word I ever thought would be associated with me in a million years but nonetheless it is....to be honest it has had many positive effects. I guess the way we learn the toughest lessons is to be brought to our knees. Only now...over a year and a half since she left and as I approach the year mark of the finality of it all can I really grasp the gravity, effect, my part in it and the overall "good" that has come out of it.

I do truly hate Divorce....the only thing that I can think of worse than a broken heart is a broken heart and a broken marriage. For me it was here where I found out what God had given me, remembered where I came from, what I was here to do, and began to repair my life, my heart and my faith. I remember that my Dad was able to spend those first few days with me so that I didn't have to come home to an empty house....He will never know how much that meant to me. My friends took turns coming up to visit so that I would know they were here for me, people called and most importantly God stood by me every day, every morning to help me begin to breath and spark a hope (in my opinion in life hope is almost the only thing we need besides faith).

The church that I was attending just happened to have free counseling and I must say God provides a path for us if we are listening to his heart we can try to walk it. That counselor was EXACTLY what i needed, to this day I am not sure if he know how much i was holding on to those discussions but when in need, I was provided for!

"When your dreaming with a broken heart....the waking up is the hardest part...you roll out of bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breath"....The ONLY way John Mayer could have written this is by experiencing a broken heart for himself...because that's exactly what its like...only sometimes its the song that plays...the place you drive by, the realization of the family that you've lost that is the hardest part. Its all hard and you feel like no one fully understands...

For me I finally realized that I wasn't the only one who was hurt: my friends and family were hurt, her friends and family were too and wait a minute was it only her fault or was I involved in the marriage falling apart too...I like to think not but truthfully over the last several months I have begun to realize that my "fingerprints" are all over that whole situation. Then the questions begin....am I still that Man....could this happen again?

The road has been an interesting one....we have remained very cordial...almost friends. I still have a kind of love for her and most likely always will. I thought that I had to leave that in order to be healed but now I know that is part of what makes me who I am....I love deeply, I care deeply and turning that off isn't healing its letting part of me go. So i learn...

I was becoming more sure of myself and my walk was better than ever...i needed it to be! I finally was begging to see light, a future, a hope...and so much more down the road. I started doing things that I had always wanted to do but always had some sort of excuse. NO MORE EXCUSES! We have all heard the term that life is too short but until you feel the actual effects and the "realness" of what that phrase means you don't get it! I finally got it.

Although I had been angry and was very hurt I was always surprised at how calm I had taken it all...the moving out while I was gone, where she moved to, the money, etc....I decided early that I wasn't going to let anyone but GOD control my feelings (at least as much as possible). My normal mode in those very high stress situations was to lose my cool and get mad. Not this time!

Time passed and I began to feel better and felt that I was in a good place....that's when out of the blue I met a fantastic girl. It wasn't planned, and I didn't really know what to do...but we started dating and each day was better than before. With so much in common and so many common threads (it was scary) I felt like God was providing...The fact that we didn't live in the same town helped ensure that we talked, and wow what great discussions.

She is a curious and open soul...one that taught me a great deal about the value of open and honest communication. About being comfortable with yourself and about taking the steps needed to get to where you need to be. About loving openly and about taking full advantage of life.

I took those things to heart as I came to one of the toughest decisions that I have had to make, and that is to ensure that I am healed and ready to be that Man that I need to be in order to be any good to anyone else. For me that meant concentrating on my walk and heart to make absolutely sure that I was ready for another. What a risk. Sometimes trying to do the right thing just plain sucks!

I have been trying to reconcile these things with God over the last several months and in doing so have taken some pretty big steps in my life...I left a great relationship trusting that it was the right thing for the time being, I left a great job trusting that I needed the time and change, I am taking that time to travel and not let any excuses get in the way of what I have said I wanted to do for so long.

It seems like an eternity from last Feb when my life changed forever, and there is little doubt that I have been forever changed since that time too. I am so thankful to God for all he has blessed me with , i do not feel worthy of it. I cannot say enough about what my family and friends have done for me. i can only hope to have the opportunity to repay maybe a little of what you all have given me.